A little honesty

I thought I had changed so much. These experiences are supposed to change you for life. Has it really? I've enjoyed a lot. Done new things. Met great people. But have I really been changed? Altered for the better? I thought so.

HOWEVER... I'm seeing in myself quirks, bad habits, and just plain faults still alive and well. Still. I find myself doing random, fidgety things with my hands when I'm insecure. I hum when I'm eating, even in public. And I think I'm as selfish, defensive, and proud as ever. Maybe moreso. I enter conversations with an idea of how it would go best for me. I guess I feel like I shouldn't be wrong. And I think other people should at least believe I had good intentions when I'm wrong. Slightly grotesque, but true. So have I really changed? Or have I just seen pretty things?

Maybe change or even progress can't be measured in a list of boxes to be checked or a destination to be arrived at. After writing that, it seems obvious. Maybe it doesn't matter if I'm seen as different, as long as I've moved forward. Now, I don't know for sure, I don't have answers, but I'm thinking that's it.

Some of me will stay the same for always, things that should and things that shouldn't. I just want to keep walking onward and upward, though. Tripping is frequent and it's a dirty process. I just want to keep going.

A man named Paul once (and probably on more occassions) lamented his seemingly hopeless state. "Oh, wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death?" Very heartfelt and mournful discription of self. I think we had a similar thought process on this one. But I will try to make my answer to that question the same as his, as I keep stumbling onward. "Thanks be to God through Christ Jesus our Lord."